It looks like my eating disorder took the role of my best and only friend. It’s been there for me through thick and thin. It’s always there. Whenever I am lonely, it’s there to keep me company. Whether I am happy, angry, sad… it’s there with its arms around me. I feel its breath on the back of my neck. Day and night, day after day. It constantly whispers things into my ear.
My best friend loves me so much that it has pushed everyone I love away. It has isolated me and left me alone wanting to give up and die. It has stolen my identity, my faith, my health, and relationships. It robbed me of trust and my ‘real’ smile. It’s taken my hobbies. My best friend has put troubles in my marriage and with my children. It robbed me of my teen and early adult years and left me on the brink of death. It has robbed me of family dinners and vacations, hope and joys. It took my confidence and sanity. It stole my time, money, freedom and my determination.
My friend has taken away my self-love, integrity, independence, my happiness and my will to live. It stole my self-respect and my medical billing career. It stole the sparkle from my eye.
This friend gave me a beautiful mask. It taught me to lie and to hide my feelings. It taught me to respond with “I’m fine!” This friend causes me so much physical and emotional pain that it leaves me gasping for air. I call this friend Eddy and strangely enough he is the only friend I have now. I am tired and exhausted and wonder why I continue to seek comfort in Eddy.
I know I am worth so much more. I deserve happiness and joy. I deserve a real friend who loves me unconditionally. Someone who doesn’t judge me and respects me. Someone I can laugh with and have fun. I deserve real friends who are forgiving, supporting, dependable and thoughtful.
Isn’t it time I let go of Eddy, start living my life, loving myself and trusting that I can have true friends?
H.C. patient @ EDTC